Loss
by SuperSabs
Summary: What happens when Julia ends up alone with Michael just after the end of the season finale. This is my first fan-fic, so please be nice. I have a number of future chapters bouncing around in my brain. Julia/Frank and Julia/Michael but mostly just Julia.
1. Chapter 1

Loss

_He had tried. He really had. She wanted to be mad at him for not giving her a chance, but how could she? He had given her a chance, and she had blown it. This wasn't his fault. He didn't deserve this. She stood in the doorway, a silent tear running down her cheek. He hadn't heard her come in. He thought he was alone. And here she stood, witness to a private moment that was tearing her heart in two. Because she knew it was her fault. If only the last 48 hours had never happened._

Two days ago things had been good. Frank had forgiven her. She had avoided Michael successfully after telling him to leave her alone. She'd even patched things up with Tom. "Bombshell" had gone great in tryouts. And she was looking forward to returning to her family in New York and just resting for a bit. She was so tired and stressed, but it was over. It was all over.

Until a chance encounter changed all that.

She had stepped outside for some fresh air. The dressing rooms were becoming increasingly unpleasant, as the odor of sweaty costumes and hairspray built up night after night. She was leaning against the cool brick wall, shaded from the sun, willing her stomach ache away. A gentle breeze cooled her burning eyes. She closed her eyes and rested. Her breathing slowed down. The waves of nausea subsided. She was about to head back inside and tell Tom she was fine. But before she collected the energy to open her eyes and move, the stage door crashed open and Michael rushed out.

"Julia!" he cried, surprised to see her in the alley behind the theater. Her pulse quickened. Fear, shame, and excitement pulsed through her veins. Why did he always make her body react that way?

"No." She gritted her teeth, opened her eyes and said, "No. I choose Frank. Please, just go."

"I am," he said. "I'm leaving the show. I just told Derek. I'm on my way to the hotel to pack up." Against her wishes, Michael had reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder. "I only came for you, Jules. You know that. Without you..." He didn't finish the thought. He didn't need to. His goodbye speech broke her heart. Why had Tom let them hire Michael back on? Why did he have to run into her and say goodbye instead of slipping off into the night? She reminded herself that this was what she wanted. She wanted Frank and Leo. But…

She reached up and pulled his hand into hers. She looked up into his eyes, and she couldn't help it. She wanted to say goodbye, but a tear ran down her cheek.

"Julia!" he gasped. "Do you want me to stay?"

Her eyes gave her away, answering "yes" without words.

"No!" She corrected herself, eyes widening. But he was looking at her with his pleading eyes, whispering again "I love you, Jules."

"I know."

With her back still to the wall, she had nowhere to go when Michael stepped forward and pressed his lips onto hers. Her body responded instantly, her resolve crumbling. She wrapped her arms around his neck and returned his advances, overwhelmed by desire and unable to stop herself. She knew Michael was leaving. She knew Frank would leave, too, if he ever found out.

"He'll never know…" she whispered into Michael's ear, forgetting that they had said the same thing a few months ago. A burning blossomed inside her, and she needed Michael. Frank would never know.

Time seemed to simultaneously slow down and speed up. Each touch, each caress, each kiss lasted for an eternity and was over in the blink of an eye. Stars danced across her vision. Nothing mattered but Michael. She didn't care if the whole world was watching as she pulled off his shirt and he removed hers. Her hands shook as she undid his belt. She shook her head "no" when he asked if she wanted to go inside.

"Here. Now." She whispered in a husky voice. So there, against the back wall of the theater, she gave herself to him in a final act of betrayal to her family.

And maybe that would have been the end. But something unexpected happened. Just as the peak of an orgasm exploded inside of her, Michael cried out in ecstasy and Julia collapsed in his arms, unconscious.

A few seconds later, she smiled up at Michael and said "Wow." She was glowing. "That was incredible. I mean, wow." A moment of silence. "Why aren't you saying anything?"

"You passed out."

"I know. That was incredible."

Michael was confused. "I called 9-1-1. I thought something was wrong. Something IS wrong. You don't pass out after…"

She sat up quickly. "Nothing's wrong! You did what? Michael…"

He looked at her, his face etched with concern.

"And put some clothes on. Hand me my shirt. Where's my skirt? This did not just happen. I told you to go away. Why are you still here?"

"Jules…"

"Shut up. Just shut up. I told you 'no'. I told you to go away. Now go home. I don't ever want to see you again."

The words cut into his heart like a knife.

"Jules…" his eyes pleaded as he knelt down beside her where she sat adjusting her layers of clothing.

The sound of a siren approached and her eyes flashed with anger. She shifted her weight and tried to button her shirt. Her hands shook, fumbling. Michael reached forward and slid the buttons into place for her. Another tear ran down her cheek.

"Now go. And get rid of them," she gestured toward the paramedics just stepping out of the ambulance. She stood and stepped away from Michael. She made it two steps before collapsing again.

She woke up in Michael's arms. Again. This time, she didn't smile. She tried to get up, to run away. This couldn't be happening. But it was. When the paramedics started poking and prodding and asking questions, she responded in a daze. The world felt like it was floating away in a bubble. She didn't even have the energy to object when Michael told the paramedics that she had passed out during sex. It was over. Her life was over. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

She woke up cold and uncomfortable. When she opened her eyes, she moaned at the bright light. And then she remembered everything.

"Frank?" she asked, both wishing he was there and hoping he would never know what she had just done.

Tom's face leaned over her hospital bed.

"Frank and Leo are on their way; and Michael…"

"What happened? Wait, did you say Michael?"

"He's waiting outside."

"NO." She responded with a vengeance. She couldn't be anywhere near him. "Send him away."

"Wait, there's more…"

"I'm not dying, am I? Please tell me I'm not dying…"

"No, you'll be fine. But it was close."

"What was? What happened? I mean, besides… Oh, Tom. I did it again." Her eyes glistened with tears.

"I know, sweetie. Everyone knows."

"Everyone? How? Frank?" She was too overwhelmed to form complete sentences. And tired, so tired.

"Why am I so tired?"

"The doctor said you lost a lot of blood."

"Wait. Does Frank know?"

"That you lost a lot of blood? Yes."

"I'm so tired…" her mind wandered off and she forgot what it was she had been so upset about. "I'm just going to sleep for a few minutes…"

She woke up again to the sound of arguing just outside her door. She was less groggy, and she didn't like what she was hearing. It didn't make sense. Frank was yelling now. She saw Tom hurry to the door and the fighting stopped instantly. She wanted to know what was going on, but there was no one in the room now. She tried to sit up, but there were so many wires and tubes and needles. Ugh, she hated needles. She found the little button with the light bulb that usually meant "call a nurse" so she pushed it and the one next to it just in case. The TV turned on. So she pushed both buttons again and the TV turned off. Moments later, a disembodied voice came from the wall behind her bed "Can I help you?"

"Um, yeah. What the heck is going on? Why do I have these needles in my arms? Where is my family? Why do I feel like I have to pee an entire twelve pack?"

"Hold on Mrs. Houston, I'll be right there."

Her definition of "right there" was a tad different than Julia's. It felt like an eternity straining to hear the hushed whispers outside her door. She tried to decipher the sounds she heard, but it wasn't helpful. Did he say train or strain or drain? What is he talking about? Did someone just say penis? They're talking about blood now. Or maybe food.

Finally, the door opened and Tom, Frank, and a nearly anorexic nurse in cartoon printed scrubs entered the room.

The blond girl started "The doctor will be right here. I paged him to let him know you're awake. He's already talked to your husband, so I'll let him fill you on and you can ask the doctor any questions when he gets here. And about your need to urinate, it's because you have a catheter in, sweetie. It always feels like you're holding a full load, but you can relax. It's just a balloon." And she turned and walked back out the door.

The room was filled with awkward silence, no one knowing what to say or where to start. Frank finally broke the silence.

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"Were you really with HIM? You told me it was over. You promised me."

"Frank…"

"Did you even know you were pregnant? Or were you so busy sleeping around behind my back you didn't even notice?"

"Frank… what?"

"Apparently when Joe DiMaggio went to bat he ran into a baby who was hanging a bit low. Doc said these things can happen, especially to older women who act like sluts."

Tom interrupted him. "Frank, that's not what he said."

Julia turned to Tom. "What?"

Tom turned to Frank. "Calm down. This isn't helping anyone." And then he turned to Julia.

"The doctor said you were about three months along with a cervical ectopic pregnancy. Which would mean nothing to me if the hospital didn't have Wi-Fi…"

"Three months?" she whispered. "Frank, it's not Michael's."

"Wasn't." He glared at her, pain etched in his forehead. "Would that have stopped you? If you had known? Am I supposed to feel better that at least the baby my wife was carrying while she slept with another man was mine?"

"Frank…" She was still unable to form sentences. The shock of it all was too much.

Tom rescued her again. "The pregnancy was in the wrong spot, which means it wouldn't have survived. It also meant that you might have had what looked like, well, you know what girls get once a month."

"A period?"

Tom made a little retching face at the word, making the corner of Julia's mouth turn up in the hint of a smile.

Tom continued, "How much do you remember?"

"I was so tired and dizzy. I could hardly get my clothes back on."

Frank moaned. Tom put his hand on his shoulder. Frank shook him off. Julia hung her head in shame.

Tom spoke next.

"There was so much blood, Jules. When the paramedics arrived, they saw you try to stand up, but you were already soaked to the knees. By the time they reached you, you and Michael were both covered. I shouldn't have let you go out there alone…"

Frank interrupted "I shouldn't have let you come to Boston."

Julia just closed her eyes and leaned her head back on her pillow and cried. She never heard the doctor come in.

"Ma'am?" he interrupted her thoughts.

"Yes?"

"We've cleared away the entire pregnancy, and given you some blood. The procedure was similar to a D and C, but we didn't need to go past the cervix so your recovery should be faster. You are doing much better, but your pressure is still a bit low. We're going to keep you over night and continue hydrating you, and I'm going to have the nurse remove your catheter and show you how to use the bathroom. You should be clear to go home tomorrow morning. You'll need to follow up with your OB/Gyn next week. And no intercourse until your doc gives you the go ahead. Any questions?"

"I'd like to sleep now."

So the doctor ushered everyone out of the room and left Julia alone with her thoughts.

_So the next day, here she was, in the doorway of her bedroom watching her husband sit on the edge of the bed, the bed they had shared for eighteen years, weeping. He held his wedding band in his hand, whispering into the air "I will always love you… but how will I ever trust you again? I can't do this. I just can't. Oh Julia, why? What did I do wrong?" And in that moment she knew that he couldn't forgive her. That their marriage was over. That she had just lost everything._


	2. Chapter 2

The car ride to the clinic had been uncomfortable, to say the least. She needed Tom, but she didn't know how to patch the rift that had formed between them. He had warned her to think of Frank and Leo. She had ignored him. She had begged him not to let Michael come to Boston. He had ignored her. And now, Michael had left the cast, putting the show in jeopardy. The blogs were all talking about Rebecca Duvall's departure and now word of Michael's exit was stirring debate about the longevity of the show as well as the fidelity of its book-writer. One young reviewer went so far as to say, "With the leading players dropping like flies and Ms. Houston's crumbling personal life, it seems to me that _Bombshell_ will never live up to its' potential but instead be relegated to that place were so many would-be musicals go to die." The one thing she had left, and it was slipping away. She couldn't even look Tom in the eye. She wasn't even sure why. Was it frustration and anger, or shame and guilt that held her tongue?

Julia sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair in mute misery. Tom sat next to her, trying to get her to talk.

"Come on, Jules. You have to talk to me sometime."

"There is nothing to say."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put the show ahead of you. I had no idea things would spiral out of control…"

"But I did!"

Tom stopped and blinked at the vehemence of her interruption.

"I know. I should have listened. I'm sorry."

Tom's phone rang, and he looked at the caller ID before turning it off.

"Who was that? Eileen again?"

"Attila the Hun."

"Derek's not that bad!"

It was so much easier to talk about work.

"You know I'm here for you Julia, when you want to talk."

"Why? What on earth would I want to talk about? I lost my husband. I lost my baby. I sent away a man who loves me. And Leo won't even look me in the eye. So unless you want to talk to me about _Bombshell_, I don't want to talk."

"Well, Eileen likes the new ending so much she wants to rework the shadow selves into…"

Before he finished the sentence, a nurse stepped around the corner and called, "Julia?"

Julia grabbed Tom's hand, knowing none of this was his fault. "Come with me."

"Eeew. I better not have to see any girly parts."

"Oh shut up. Just stand by my head and make stupid jokes about the doc's bald spot."

"He has a bald spot?"

"Oh yes, shaped like New Jersey."

It was so much easier to pretend like none of this had happened.

When Dr. Aspen approached the exam room door, he had no idea what to expect. The doctor from Boston had called last week to let him know that Mrs. Houston would be coming in for follow-up after a miscarriage. He conveyed all the relevant medical details, but then he asked Dr. Aspen if he could tell him some things "off the record." Dr. Aspen had been treating Julia for years. He'd delivered Leo, and held her hand through years of secondary infertility. He imagined a miscarriage must have been a crushing blow, but he was unprepared for what the doctor said next.

"I was in the ER when they brought her in. She had passed out mid-coitus. They were both covered in blood, and he was horrified. I assumed he was her husband, the way he clung to her. It wasn't until someone named Tom came in and started yelling…"

"Thank you, doctor. I appreciate the information. I will tread lightly when she comes in."

"There's a little more, but it's not good." He paused. "I overheard her husband yelling. It sounded like he was leaving. And I heard her threaten to kill her lover if he so much as touched her again. He left in tears."

"Good Lord, she must be a mess…"

"Thank you, doctor. I appreciate your call."

With the memory of that phone call fresh in his mind, Dr. Aspen was surprised when he opened the door. Julia was sitting on the table, giggling with a man he had never met. They both fell instantly silent at his entrance, but locked eyes and smirked at an inside joke.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Aspen."

"Tom," he replied, shaking the doctor's hand.

"I see you're taking good care of my patient."

Julia's face fell. Obviously the moment of mirth had been short-lived.

"Well," Dr. Aspen went on awkwardly. "I'm going to do a visual exam as well as a vaginal ultrasound. Have you had any cramping or passed ay large clots?"

Julia leaned back and directed her answers to the ceiling as Dr. Aspen conducted the exam.

"No, not since I left Boston."

"Good, good. Have you noticed any other symptoms? Fever? Swelling? Difficulty urinating?"

"No."

"Things appear to be healing up nicely, although the cervix still looks a bit blue." Dr. Aspen turned his attention to the ultrasound machine. "That might not return to normal until after your next menstrual cycle."

He focused on the screen, hitting a few keys here and there as he talked.

"How has your mood been?"

"Sunshine and roses, doc. What do you think?"

"After a miscarriage, or any pregnancy really, the hormones can fluctuate wildly, and mild depression isn't uncommon. I think it might help if I give you a prescription for some Zoloft. It's a antidepressant that really helps even out those post-partum hormones."

Dr. Aspen stopped talking and focused all of his attention on the ultrasound machine.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Houston, but I'd like to do an abdominal ultrasound as well. I can't quite visualize the uterine contents as well as I'd like because the cervical tissue is still unusually dense, likely a side effect of the ectopic implantation site."

"What?"

"Can you pull up your shirt? It looks like some swelling in the cervix is preventing full uterine evacuation. We may need to schedule you for a full D&C. I'd like to get a better look."

The room filled with awkward silence. Julia held her breath as the doctor prepared the machine to use the abdominal transducer.

"Please, God, just let this be over."

Tom squeezed her hand.

Dr. Aspen worked silently for a moment before whispering, "Well look at that."

Tom and Julia looked at the screen while the doctor pointed at a bean shaped squiggle on the monitor.

"It's another fetus. And it still has a heartbeat. Unbelievable."


End file.
